work chit chat
Me: Yeah, and then I just went home and ate a family size bag of potato chips.
Joel: Were you drunk?
Listen to my girl Virginia Woolf.– Lisa Bloom from her stupid-confusing book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World. I’m assuming Vanguard published this with the intention to empower women, as well as to prove that Lisa Bloom has degrees, the ability to commune with the dead, and great recipe tips...
and populated by melancholy-seeming famous people– an excerpt from Vulture’s description of the guests at Sofia Coppola’s wedding that I love because Caroline Bankoff knows you can’t be sad when you’re famous.
email exchange with my mother
Mom: can u give me you SSN?
Me: Only if you can confirm for me that you are my mother and not a hacker.
Mom: you have a big mole on your back that Lucia’s father* made an incision on and looks a little better.
Me: Alright! Thanks. Here you go...
*He is also a dermatologist whose doctor's office I visited for this procedure.
what i learned about long beach today
Ch. 4 Reporter: You're not evacuating. Are you prepared?
LB Resident: We have what we need: we have good mexican food, ninja movies and beer.
tune into fear! fear! fear!
check your local listings for the Weather Channel.
my mother worries about me, her favorite daughter
Me: Hi Momo.
Mom: Don't go in any underground elevators this weekend. What happens is the elevator goes below ground where there is flooding and the door opens and you drown. Sounds unreal but this is exactly what happened to a fellow employee last time there was a hurricane in Carolina.
Me: That is honestly the scariest thing I've ever heard.
Mom: So promise me you'll stay in and read a good book or work on your blog at home. How was the concert last night?
i applied a new deodorant this morning
It is hot therefore I sweat. And because I am an incredibly vain person who doesn’t want to be seen with pit stains, I applied a recently purchased, aluminum-heavy brand to clog up my pores. With my fresh pits, I left my apartment, hopped on the G, made my transfer, and as I stood, trying to keep my grip on the M train, I absentmindedly watched debris rain down on the two passengers seated...
Me: I'd say that work for me is about 50% contracts 50% blogging and facebook stalking
Aimee: Aren't all of our jobs like that?
Me: Well, my last job was 20% work, 70% facebook and nearly 10% hiding in the bathroom.
Listen, we know the average Californian was born amid a thundering 7.5 magnitude...– I’ve been forced to witness an impression of myself that I liken to this excerpt, “I’m Allie Kokesh and I’m from San Francisco, ever heard of it?!”
conversation with my mother
Me: I don't know mom, maybe I'm totally overreacting, but I just feel so confused and the whole thing is (no longer forming words just noises). I don't know what to do. What do you think?
Mom: Are you on your period?
Mom: Then it must be on its way; you're just emotional because your period is coming. Yeah, now that I say it out loud, it can't be anything else. It's definitely your period. That's the problem.
the prom you were promised →
Dear handsome former jock with blue/green eyes in my English honors class, Our time is now! Yours, Gawky former theater kid with a knack for tearing you down as a form of flirtation
sure i am
Me: Could you help me with something?
Doof: Are you flirting with me in an extremely roundabout way?
5.8 on the Richter Scale with an epicenter in...
Fire Marshall (blaring over the PA system): EVERYONE! PLEASE STAY CALM! THE ENTIRE BUILDING EXPERIENCED A TREMOR! AT THIS TIME PLEASE STAY CALM. PLEASE STAY CALM AND WAIT FOR FURTHER INFORMATION! PLEASE STAY CALM IN THE MEANTIME!
People with ears: I feel less safe now.
i obsess over different interpretations
HR Manager: Well congratulations on your promotion. I'm sorry we won't be working together anymore! I've always appreciated that you're a no-nonsense type of girl.
the third annual column contest →
After spending the past year reading the second annual column contest winners, and because I like to play favorites, I would say I love reading BIANCA, THE COVERT TORONTO ESCORT WITH A DAY JOB the most and with a close second for BALLS OUT: A COLUMN ON BEING TRANSGENDERED. These two columns also force me to reflect on how stupid my past two submissions have been. My proposed columns were last...
I didn’t write this book to be about revenge or make him or her into a devil,...– From an interview with Isabel Gillies about her memoir, A Year and Six Seconds. The “him” she is referring to is her now ex-husband and the “her” would be the mistress turned new wife. And I need to know, will I one day possess this amazing maturity, too? Because I still...
Hey everyone! This is a movie.
my sister called me at work today
Ashley: I hate boys that don't like me and I hate boys that do like me.
Me: Did you say you hate boys that don't like you?
Ashley: Yeah this one guy won't text me back. But then I met this boy the other night who I've been texting with.
Me: But you don't like him?
Ashley: Not yet.
Ashley: Oh, Allie, it's so depressing.
girls v. boys →
In 2002, I was doing a sketch-comedy show, because that’s what adults with...– Drew Droege for the Daily Beast. He totally gets me.
when i'm alone in my apartment
I read every bit of text aloud and, often, narrate all of my actions. I am also prone to solitary dance parties. (For which I recommend Pandora station: Foster The People.)