laffy taffy comes with jokes
Me: Okay, Joel. What does a ghost like on his roast beef?
Joel: Wait! Can I guess?
Me: Yes! And the second joke is what type of bow can't be tied?
Joel: Okay. A ghost likes BOO cheese.
Me: Willy Wonka says, "Grave-y."
Joel: Alright. And Bo Derek.
Me: This says Rainbow, but I like your answers way more.
Joel: Me, too.
sound advice from sandra
Mom: So work it girl!
know your audience
Just casually listening to some lady-tunes while I get pop-up ads about lady products for my lady parts.
you do that, right?
Susan: Yeah, I'll delete friends' numbers if I think they're sick of me.
Me: I delete a number only after I've said something so embarrassing, I don't want to run the risk of doing it again.
Nate: I've never heard of that before.
Me: Maybe you're just not as dramatic as Susan and me.
conversations with my mother
Mom: I'll pray to St. Jude for you.
Me: Why St. Jude?
Mom: Patron saint of lost causes.
my julia roberts idea
A woman in her late twenties/early thirties (Julia Roberts still plays this age, right?) lives her pleasant life with a handsome guy who smiles at her a lot. There will be some establishing shot where we see pictures of them holding hands starting from scrawny middle school to now. She does not drive an earth friendly car, she has a barn, and a whole network of happy friends with great teeth. ...
i got big dreams, ma
bits and pieces
Peter: This will not end well.
Me: What makes you say that?
Peter: This is for real?
Me: I'm not sure... I do so many bits that I forget where I draw the line.
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was very busy in this oral history re-creating JFK,...– - username: buddy816, Amazon.com review of Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy One star, buddy816? I know you’re just trying to be the tough love friend in this situation, I mean, we both know I’ve never had it in me! But I really think...
i would live with these guys
$800 / 100ft² - Room in 4Br (Williamsburg) (map) Date: 2011-09-18, 10:51PM EDT Reply to: email@example.com [Errors when replying to ads?] We are 3 guys who like the usual things: raw bacon, subtle victorian social biases, and not twitter. Brandon feels we should underscore our positive feelings towards cat videos despite never having watched one together. On offer: one room,...
the only email exchange from work worth repeating
Freelance Contributor Agreement: Once you have the contracts, please send them on the U. S. Mule, headed back to me. Of course you're not old enough to know the U. S. Mule. He was the mule delivering mail in the Hills in the Littl' Abner cartoon of the the 1950s and 60s.
Me: I will be sure to have a copy to you as soon as the executed contacts are returned to me. (And I may not have known about the U.S. Mule before, but I’ve now spent some time on Google learning about it.)
Freelance Contributor Agreement: Allie you are great.
my apt. building was on fire this morning
3rd Fl. Tenant/Self-appointed Ambassador: Hey, can I come in?
Me: Yeah! Sure.
3rd Fl. Tenant/Self-appointed Ambassador: Listen, are you okay?
Me: Yeah, no. I'm fine. Are you okay? Was it your apartment?
3rd Fl. Tenant/Self-appointed Ambassador: Oh! No. It was the 2nd floor girl. I went to see if she was okay, and she's still wasted.
3rd Fl. Tenant/Self-appointed Ambassador: She came home and fell asleep while cooking. I mean, I was a bartender, too, so I get it. I once fell asleep while I was boiling water and set off the alarm.
Me: And she's okay?
3rd Fl. Tenant/Self-appointed Ambassador: Yeah. But, her door is really fucked up. They had to like knock it down to get into the apartment. Anyway. That's all. I'm Sue by the way.
Me: I'm Allie. Nice to meet you.
i'm going to stop doing my own PR
Kat: My best friend is visiting and I want you to meet her.
Kat: You probably won't like her...
Me: Oh stop! Why do you think that?
Kat: She might be too bubbly for you.
god i hope i get it
Me: I want this so bad.
Mom: I'll say a prayer for you.
Me: Thanks Momo.
Mom: But, I might have to tell God that if you get it, you'll go to church.
Mom: I'll say at least once a month. You could do that couldn't you?
the result of a private joke with myself
I used Yahoo! as my primary email for the college applications process and then all through college; I didn’t even have a Trinity College email address, instead, I had all content forwarded to my Yahoo! account. But, since graduating, I’ve let firstname.lastname@example.org fall by the wayside and that email address pretty much absorbs Living Social, Groupon, etc. emails that I never...
Me: I'm skipping the gym, so I'll come meet you straight after work.
Meg: Yeah. You can come whenever. I think I'll be around.
Me: Great. If you're not there, I'll wander to the GAP for underwear.
Meg: No time for laundry, huh?
Me: When did I become Britney Spears?